Farewell to the second and last of the Kho Matriarch

littleborneogirl

Maybe 1992 with my children. My Three Aunties were a great part of our lives.

Our Grandmother, the First Matriarch with 1KO (Eldest Aunt)& her sons (Singapore-based), and myself, my sister, brothers, and other cousins, probably in 1972.

On Weds 8 Dec 2021, we bid farewell to our 95-year-old aunt (great aunt) Chee Ho aka Katong (a nickname she earned while growing up in Singapore) where our grandfather owned a few grocery shops in Clarke Quay and Boat Quay, Singapore, and Main Bazaar as well as Padungan in Kuching. Sadly, none of those businesses survived down to our generation although my dad and uncles inherited the shophouses and almost all except one had since been sold. In fact, I believed my grandfather was scared to death (literally) during the Japanese Occupation in World War Two. I heard stories of how the Japanese took over our ancestorial home and the shop…

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August 1988 and August 2020

August then and now ….

This blog was originally created for Toby, my pet dog. Celebrating the lives of my two closest companions whose lives were cut short by deadly tumours.

AUGUST is month eight
8 regarded as the luckiest number in Chinese culture
1988 our baby Bom was to be born
that year of the golden dragon.

12 August 1988 was 3 days before her EDD
Intense pain and continuous pushing almost in vain
An exhausted mummy with oxygen to aid
Finally 1.30pm, Judith Yolanda Ngeaw Hui-Hui was born.

31 happy years
Bomwas my second child
My closest, a child I spent most time bringing up
Taro Fresh Cream Chiffon, our favorite cake.

12 August 2020
My baby would have turned 32
Instead, she will always be our 31-year-old baby forever
August my favorite month became my most painful month.

Today
That physical pain of childbirth was nothing compared to losing a child.  Struggling with complicated grief is something I have to live with for life.  Mentally telling myself to ‘grow my heart’ and make it…

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Is there a God?

I was brought up in a Buddhist family that practice ancestors worship, prayed in temples and set up altars during Chinese New Year to pray to the …

Is there a God?

Five months later …

This blog was originally created for Toby, my pet dog. Celebrating the lives of my two closest companions whose lives were cut short by deadly tumours.

Grief is a pain that lasts forever.

It may not be a physical pain but it is an emotional pain inside your heart, the feeling that your heart is torn into pieces yet it continues to beat as life goes on.  It is not a pain that could ease with a painkiller or any form of medication.  It just stays with you every moment of your life.  In bad days, you grieve as soon as you wake up till you go to bed at night.  It doesn’t disappear when you sleep because the brain stays awake and you dream of your loved one and some nights you see the trauma of your loved one dying right in front of you.

You miss her more and more each passing day.  Time does not heal, in fact, it made the missing feeling stronger and knowing that she will never come back.

I…

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Acceptance and healing

This blog was originally created for Toby, my pet dog. Celebrating the lives of my two closest companions whose lives were cut short by deadly tumours.

I have been questioning myself.

How can God be good when he took away my beloved dog of 10 years so suddenly?

Isn’t he cruel that two months later, my beloved daughter suddenly died from a brain tumour only diagnosed three weeks ago and died without even knowing she was going to die???  Neurosurgeons assured me that her life was not at risk though of course with that deadly tumour, her life was terminal.  Everyone was in shock.

Questions, questions, questions. ???

Today, 21 January 2020, I am feeling more alone than ever.  My family had been around me to comfort me while we went through the deep grief and pain of Bom’s passing.  Bom’s Dad left for Kuching today.

A little voice told me, again and again, that I will never heal.  I can never accept that Bom is gone.  I am angry with God, angry with the hospitals…

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A life so beautiful but far too short

My dandelion has flown away.

This blog was originally created for Toby, my pet dog. Celebrating the lives of my two closest companions whose lives were cut short by deadly tumours.

Words cannot describe the grief when a mother has to bury her child.  My daughter was an adult kid but because she was still a single woman, to me, she was still my ‘baby’.

From the agony of losing a ten-year-old pet dog who died from an aggressive heart tumor to losing a child to a brain tumor. Pain after pain ……… indeed, grief is the deepest pain I know.

It was only on 22 August 2019 that my pet dog and loyal companion left me just two days after his tenth birthday.  A deadly heart tumor, hemangiosarcoma took away my companion, a four-legged friend, so much a part of me.  He was diagnosed on 8 August 2019 and died fourteen days later. Toby was my everything.  I cried for him every night so much so that I thought I might die from a broken heart.

Toby was the reason…

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Goodbye, Tob

This blog was originally created for Toby, my pet dog. Celebrating the lives of my two closest companions whose lives were cut short by deadly tumours.

Dear Tob

Mummy had and still is to a less painful extent been grieving for you since you departed on 22/8/2019.

Bom (Mummy’s younger daughter) is suffering from severe depression. At this moment, she needs lots of care and love from people around her. This had taken all Mummy’s time and made your passing more bearable. It is now time to let go, live in the present and give my love and attention to Bom and support the family. Mummy had to pull herself out of the deep grief for you, Tob, stopped all the tears each night since you left.

Today, Mummy put away your belongings packed in a ham bag and placed it with your little indoor doggy bed in the garage. Mummy made a book all about you, my beloved Tob boy. Two beautiful pictures of you, one with ‘departed’ Bluey (bear) and another poster of you…

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20 days without Tob

Missing you heaps, my precious, Tob.

This blog was originally created for Toby, my pet dog. Celebrating the lives of my two closest companions whose lives were cut short by deadly tumours.

Toby my pet dog was my everything. He was my life, someone who was totally dependent on me and greeted me with a toy in his mouth to welcome me home every time all these years. My house used to be full of scattered toys in the living room, hallway, beds and garden (like a home with young children) only that those toys were my pet dog’s. He was my baby.

I am living in denial that Tob had gone. His final moments with me (which will be shared in a separate post) replays in my head every now and then and I would come to the reality that Tob was gone. I felt alone and I cried in pain but I know that no amount of crying can bring my Tob back. As I had mentioned, in my grieving process, I kept Tob’s old belongings (toys, cushion, color, carseat)…

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The deadly diagnosis

This blog was originally created for Toby, my pet dog. Celebrating the lives of my two closest companions whose lives were cut short by deadly tumours.

His name was Toby.

He was my life, my friend, my companion, my pet dog, my everything.

We did everything together, from going on walks, car rides, begging quietly for crumbs at our mealtime (even though he just got fed), sun-bathing and sharing one bed, tucked under the same duvet.

Toby was drastically taken from me 14 days after being diagnosed with Hemangiosarcoma, an aggressive cancer in dogs. I did not know this word and until today, I still do not know how to get the syllabus right.

Hemangiosarcoma is an aggressive type ofcancerthat can affect organs where blood vessels are present. Toby had a massive tumour in his heart that caused internal bleeding to his kidneys and abdomen. The vet suggested euthanization.

This blog is about celebrating Toby’s life as well as registering each and every day he was alive from the day he was diagnosed.

I grieved hugely…

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My new grapefruit tree

littleborneogirl

A new season, a new beginning.

When I was undergoing an extremely challenging time some thirty years ago, my Dad told me,

“What appears to be the end is just a new beginning.”

My beloved Dad left me last December and as I now undergo yet another challenging time, his words rang in my ears.

Reminders of his words, in fact, came from seeing grapefruits in my garden.

Such beautiful irony.

In our previous house, we had a big grapefruit tree.  We loved that tree.  Those grapefruits were one of the best I ever tasted.  From its bounty, we ate them with brown sugar (so juicy and refreshing), drank as fresh juices, used in cooking recipes and made many jars of chutneys.  If only we could take that grapefruit tree with us when we moved.

Now after three (or maybe four) years, this new grapefruit tree of mine finally…

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